What makes
farts stink?
Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?
How much
gas does a normal person pass each day?
How
long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to
smell?
Is it true that some
people never fart?
Do even movie stars fart?
Do men's farts smell
worse than women's farts?
At what time
of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
Why are beans
notorious for making people fart?
What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
Is it harmful to hold in
farts?
How long would it be
possible not to fart?
Do all people fart in their
sleep?
Where do farts go
when you hold them in?
How can one cover up a fart?
ESCAPEE
JAILBREAK (Used in
conjunction with escapee)
COURTESY FLUSH
WALK OF SHAME
OUT OF CLOSET DUMPER (OCD)
THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
SAFE HAVEN
TOILET BURGLAR
CAMO-COUGH
ASTAIRE
WATERMELON
HAVANA OMELLETE
UNCLE TED
FLY BY
CRACK WHORE
What makes farts stink?
The order comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in
the mixture. These compounds contain sulphur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as
skatol and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulphur-rich your
diet, the more sulphides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in
your gut, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs
and meat notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large
amounts of not particularly stinky farts.
Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?
Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of nitrogen and
carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the
anal opening. These gases are odourless, although they often pick up other
(and more odiferous) components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from
the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often
achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but
not always) mundane with respect to odour, and don't feel particularly warm.
Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial fermentation
and digestion process produces heat as a by product as well as various pungent
gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated
with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as notorious, warm, SBD
(silent but deadly), of ten in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but
excellent in stench.
How much gas
does a normal person pass each day?
On average, a person produces about half a litre of fat gas per day,
distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be
difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly
keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science
fair project. Keep a journal of everything you eat and count your farts. You
might make note of the potency of their odour as well. See if you can discover
a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they
smell.
How
long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmosphere conditions such as humidity,
temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart
particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart
receiver. Farts also disperse (spread out) as they leave the source, and their
potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected
within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost
into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional condition exists when the fart is
released into small enclosed area such as a cockpit or elevator, a small room
or car. These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart
may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it
condenses on the walls.
Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it starts to
smell?
Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes several
seconds for the order to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could
travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the
same time we hear them.
Is it true that some
people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.
Do even movie stars fart?
Yes, most men take pride in it than women. There is a large variation
among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the
variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more than
women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas
per fart than men do.
Do men's farts
smell worse than women's farts?
Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is
that I hope not.
At
what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is most likely to fart first thing in the morning, while
in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder" and if the gentleman gets
good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
Why are beans
notorious for making people fart?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars reach our
intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas!
Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage,
milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog that was exceptionally fond of
apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious
gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter,
so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.
What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This can be
cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people with fast
moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the
intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. Going up in
an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside
you to expand and emerge as flatulence.
Is
a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical composition
from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas
content than burps.
Is it harmful to hold in
farts?
There are differences of opinion on this one. Certainly, people have
believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for health. Emperor
Claudius even passed a law legalising farting at banquets, out of concern for
people's health. There was a widespread belief that a person could be poisoned
and catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors, with whom I have spoken to
recently, have told me there is no particular harm in holding in farts. Farts
will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents.
The worst thing which can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the
gas pressure. One doctor suggested that pathological distension of the bowel
could result if a person holds in farts too much.
How long would it
be possible not to fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person
relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from farting
during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been
on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans-Pacific
flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart
voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can
refrain from farting as long as you stay awake!
Do all people fart in
their sleep?
I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all people fart
in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do
so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold
that they let nothing pass their sphincters in their sleep. For these people,
the gas accumulated in the night and they vent it upon awakening.
Where do farts go
when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the first
appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart had disappeared when you
are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak
out solely without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream?
What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor
absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out
later. It is reassuring to know that such farts are not really lost, just
delayed.
How can one cover up a fart?
There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to
absorb the order of farts. If you should 4be caught without your Fartypants,
another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain
about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As
for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and
innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she
did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so the
people think they misheard the fart. If you are with one other person, you can
act as if nothing happened, and the other person may believe they were
mistaken in thinking a fart was heard. Depending upon the company, another
strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own
grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one
if they think they can.
Office Toilet rules....
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a dump in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of manic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car while speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
When forcing a dump, several farts slip out at machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the toilet to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and the log is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to stink up the toilet. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
Walking from the stall to the sink to the door after you have just stunk-up the toilet. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
A colleague who dumps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OCD enter the toilet with a newspaper, a magazine or a large work document under their arm and takes invariably long to dump. Always look around the office for the missing OCD before entering the toilet.
THE DUMPING FRIENDS NETWORK (DFN)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency dumping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OCDs and identify SAFE HAVENS.
A seldom used toilet somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a dumper of your sex or other assorted DFNs and OCDs entering the toilet.
A dumper who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur in mid-dump at work. If this happens, do not say anything (a short Camo-Cough is ok) and remain in the stall until the TOILET BURGLAR gives up or leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants to the toilet that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TOILET BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TOILET BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the toilet immediately so the dumper can dump in peace.
A log that creates a deep loud splash when hitting the water level. This is also an embarrassing occurrence. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a synchronised diversion, see CAMO-COUGH.
A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the water. Often followed by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE in sync.
A toilet user who seems to linger forever. Could spend an immoderate length of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the can. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the can. Consider waiting to take a dump until the toilet is empty. This benefits you as well as the other attendees.
The act of scouting a toilet before dumping. Walk in and check for other dumpers. If there are others in the toilet, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly popping into the toilet even if it is just to check it out.
A toilet bowl that has seen more arse than a Metro Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubic hair, urine stains and log streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans that particular toilet. Although a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.